Have you ever been touched by a peice of music? I don't mean an entire song, because honestly from my experiance i like "parts" of music spacificlly, like the first 1 minute out of 7 minutes of the Jurassic Park Theme by John Williams. or the first 1 minute of Kenny G. - Sentimental, why is that? thats something i am trying to figure out with this journal, i love the piano more than you or anyone can imagine, i love to play it, it feels like electricity running through me, when i play and listen to myself making music, but even that music can be ruined for me if i start to play to fast. I enjoy some of the saddest music known to man, it does not making me sad or depressed, in fact it's the opposite, it makes me feel like i am on top of everything, it brings out some of my most creative ponders, just today i found a song by accedent on playlist.com, called "Missing You" by Rain, i like the first 30 seconds of it, once she starts singing it sucks. but hearing the notes in the order that are within that song makes me want to write this and explain to myself, What makes me tick with music.

I was brought up with Country music, Rap,R&b, but not classical, although we did have a piano, when i was young we didn't have super nintendo's and sega's, i was an out door boy, if i was inside the house i was either in trouble for throwing rocks at cars(lol) or playing the piano. My mother always got irretated with me for playing the samethings over and over and over, and this was not your general songs, this was stuff i had made up from just hearing it and liked it. So when i was about 7 or 8 years old i took some tape, wrote letters on the tape and put it on the keys to teach myself how to play, except... it wasn't A B C D E F G A B, it was more like A B C D E F G H I J K(lol) but!, i did teach myself how to play by listening to which keys made what sound, before long i was mimicing songs i had heared before and memorizing everything i taught myself, my parents had the money to send me to learn how to really play, but they were stingy with money and thats the only reason we did have money, they would never spend it.

when i hit 10 or 11 i had a friend that knew how to play and she offered to teach me, and she showed me what she knew, i learned how to read/write and play from notes within about a year thanks to her, Thank you Christina for all your effort, she passed away before she could hear me perform once i got my schooling for it, i'll forever miss her. So i carried on with my training of piano and eventually go hired to play for the Phantom Orchestra, with Hans Zimmer as the conducter. kinda long story how it happened but i was in vegas and met him basiclly. So i became the lead pianist in the song Hans Zimmer - Tennessee, that is one song i think touches me throughout the entire 4 minutes. i have not read or played the piano in nearly 4 years with any sort of practice, i have nearly forgotten how to read notes, i still can, but i am not as quick as i was, i have to pause to look ahead, i also have a problem playing because i no longer have a piano to practice on, and i have so much on my mind i can't relax to just play when i do try.

For about 2 years i began writing my own song, using peices of other songs, like i stated before, of what parts i enjoy, putting them together to fit is difficult when you have differant timings, that changes the sounds completly, i have managed to peice about 3 parts of songs together, and in the process of my marrage, moving, moving and moving again i have left behind, and lost most everything i created, i only have what my memory has kept and it is not all of it. So here i am, nearly 22 years old and i don't have much of what i worked for to show for it anymore, but if i had to put it in perspective i would have given anything to be with my wife right now, so i do not regret the decisions i have made to give up everything to have a life with her, we have our problems just like any married couple, specially when there was an "ex" involved not long before the 2 of us got together. But that gives me no right to give up on her, that would no be fair to her in the least, it would be selfish and sadimistic of me to leave the relationship because i have a jealousy issue, i don't feel i am controlling, but when i say do something you better get on the ball and bounce, thats just my manager attitude i have developed over the course of my life coming out.

But, no... its not like i tell her she can't do this, or that or, she has to to this or that, unless! it bothers me, such as keeping pictures of that old boyfriend, i feel it would only be fair that you get rid of them like i left my relationship behind before you. even then i will first say "this makes me uncomfortable", and generally i will ask why you still have them - because i don't see a reason why unless you still want this person. I come off as harsh to people sometimes but thats me, i tell it like it is, no need to put cream cheese on a burnt beagle, it's still going to taste like ass. covering up something that needs to be said is a good way to avoid arguments, but it will always come back to bite you and when it does, assuming you let it go for awhile, it will bite even harder and thats going to create an atmosphear that is more uncomfortable than it was before.

My wife and i will probably never get seperated, it would have to be pretty bad. for example, i am a bit frustraited with our living situation, on top of other stress' and this economy. so, i yelled at her because i felt like things wern't getting done, like getting rid of the ex boy friend pictures. now let me back up, i said when i say "jump" i expect you to jump, she didn't so, when it came up again, guess what, argument. typiclly when somebody doesn't do what i tell them to, it means "your fired, go home and start looking for another job" so, yea i threw around the words "devorce", after taking some time to cool off, thats not cool of me, i didn't know how else to express i was seriouse, i don't want to check for my emails and see ex boy friends folder full of his skinny lanky faggot looking ass, flexing like he has some sort of body, looked like a stereotypical geek that turned gay hadn't ate in over a month, mother fucker would get broke, he's only fortunate he doesn't live anywhere near us or shit would hit the fan.

He used my wife for a peice of ass and left, now she has this insecurity that i am going to do the same thing, and she has absolutly no reason to feel that way since i am always wanting to spend time with her when we can, we have been married over a year now and faithfully, i have no intension of cheating or leaving, i'm for lack of a better word, happily married. But would i really do anything to harm this guy? on first thought, if provoked, yea, his life would end by me. with a second thought, no because going to prison wouldn't help the whole reason i ridded the scum from the earth.
So you can get an idea why i wanted him out of ever being seen again. Kelly and i will be together forever and i think if anybody has a problem with that, they need to come get in my face one good time, or take your ass home, sit down, and be a good little bitch.

On a lite note, my wife's sister found this kick ass little flash game and it's nice and relaxing, it's cool to play a few times and come back for more later, she put it perfectly to me, that scores doesn't matter, it's just fun and if you are not good at then, you still have the satifaction of listening to the music. heres the link [link]